Thursday, June 24, 2004

Oh this is just Rich.

Mr Cheney, you are a riot.

I owe you a drink.

Saying "Go fuck yourself" to Patrick Leahy? Who put you up to it? I'll wager you good money that Norm Podhoretz bet you his newly-minted medal of freedom that you wouldn't do it.

Sucks to be you, Norm.

When VH1 runs out of material for its countdowns and starts its "top 100 Senate floor instances of being served" or what-have-you, I will be crying high crimes and misdemeanors if you don't get position number two (we all know that time when Andrew Jackson beat the living crap out of his attempted assassin with his cane deserves number one).


Well, I actually know one way you could one-up this one and put Jackson to shame.


We all know that when God closes a door, only then do you notice how flimsy the hinges are. You get my drift.

Dick, as a friend, I have to break it to you: your chances of beating Bill Frist for the VP slot are getting slimmer by the day. The newest Annenburg poll says it all:

Q:"Vice President Dick Cheney reminds you of what famous figure? Write-in answers are encouraged"
  • My overweight ex-marine gym teacher, the one who's pungent breath and sadistic veltangshung indicated a man slowly obtaining revenge on the world somehow through pickling his liver with Cossack Vodka 42%
  • Wilfred Brimley after a lifetime of methamphetamine abuse 12%
  • The gumdrop king from "Candy Land", once an honorable beast, now a disturbed confection determined to conquer all of the sugared lands 32%
  • Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character in Happiness 13%
Its baaaaaad, Dicky. The sheer standardization of their answers either is indicative of your sheer negative impact on the collective unconscious or the inexorable drift of media consolidation leading to the end of independent thought. Honestly, I was surprised no WWF characters were cited.

Back to my point. The door just slammed shut, and as your friend, I want to hand you a
crowbar.


This judge, I kid you not, was a serial masturbator, a public ball-shaver, a penis pump user, a true erotic maestro of the bench.

Have you seen CSPAN's ratings recently? How much self-abuse do you think you could get away with before Wonkette catches on, (oh Anna Maria Cox, if the deity descended before me right now and offered me the choice of a night with you and the Washingtonienne in the four seasons and the joy of Pyongyang hit with 40 megatons of justice.... I guarantee you my dear, I'd have to think about it). I think you'd be able to hit the President pro-tem at least four times in that window of opportunity.


American Pie 4: affairs of state. Cameo: Dick Cheney. Or 'There's something about Robert Byrd'. You would win the war on terror single-handedly; after this escapade, any right-minded religious fanatic would save their explosives and simply wait for the capitol to be turned into a pillar of salt.


Don't say I never gave you anything, friend.

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